Are you "Winking in the Dark"? Three skills to master for better communication

I have made a habit of questioning everything, because I have had the opportunity to work alongside some great mentors who had extensive experience in their fields and every time I took action and shared it with my mentors, they would say something along the lines “and did you do …?” Early in my career my response was often “dang it! How didn’t I anticipate that” and as I grew in career and life, I became the one who asked “and did you do …?”

Questioning everything didn’t come easy to me and there was a time where it became extensive and damaging because of authoritative figures from my childhood who shook my confidence and made me question myself and all my actions, turning me into an imperfect perfectionist. As you can imagine all that did, was make me stop and think whether my actions were “right” or “wrong” and often, I beat myself up over mistakes.

If this sounds somewhat like you, or someone you know; Here’s Good News: You can make it! I learned that perfection can only be achieved through imperfect actions, and that done is better than perfect. Because I questioned myself and my actions, I learned how to better communicate so that I can be better understood and my quest to personal growth started in 1993.

I have learned, that in order to be a more efficient communicator, I needed to observe what people were saying absent words and, as all good stories start… this one began with a girl.

The Oracle of Omaha said:

If you can't communicate, it's like winking at a girl in the dark--nothing happens. You can have all the brainpower in the world, but you have to be able to transmit it. And the transmission is communication.

I had noticed and realized that I had been winking in the dark, and so, I set off to learn about non-verbal communication.

Understanding and identifying non verbal queues was a game changer and here, I share with you, an introduction to skills everyone needs to master in order to become an effective communicator.

I share with you the foundation that came to me as a result of over 25 years experience that started with Linda (I altered the name to preserve the person’s real identity and save me years of embarrassment)

I didn’t know if she liked me, I didn’t know if she even noticed me at all and I feared rejection more than anything else, until I managed to muster the courage to ask for her phone number.

I built up the courage because I learned to identify what she wasn’t saying and despite the fact that I almost peed my pants asking for her number I did the following things that I discovered were the essence and base of any effective, confident communication.

These skills are essential for anyone who interacts with people and Warren Buffett* himself said that mastering these skills “changed his life”

Without further ado:

  • Mastering Basic Skill #1: Eye Contact, and I can’t emphasis enough the importance of this. As basic as it may seem; eye contact is crucial and often “overlooked”. For the next week, notice how you speak to your partner, children, roommate or any other person you interact with and pay attention to how they speak to you. Make it a point to maintain eye contact while you talk to them. It is much easier to look a person in the eye when they are doing the talking and a lot less evident when you are the one speaking. Practice this skill, because maintaining eye contact sends the signal to the receivers brain that you are confident, and sure of what you are saying. Today, the quarantine situation presents a wonderful opportunity because you can practice looking people in the eyes while speaking over the web, being across a screen reduces the anxiety you may feel at the thought of looking someone square in the face.

  • Mastering Basic Skill #2: Be Mindful of HOW words are coming out of your mouth. The actual words you are using contribute to only 7% of the message* whereas, 38% is the weight on how you are saying those words. This means that people pay more attention to your tone, speed and pause, than what you are actually saying… Here’s Good News: you can make it with the following two tips: First notice how fast or slow you tonality is. Today people have shorter attention spans than in the past and speaking too fast will cause a considerable loss of interest. Speaking too slow may cause people to fall asleep! You want to find that sweet spot were you control the words coming out of your mouth to allow you a strong grasp over the Second tip of being mindful of your use of fillers. Do you “um” and “err” or use “like” and “right?” as fillers? or even worst cuss words? Take note of that and start adjusting your speed to use pauses and short breaths to have a continuously flowing speech rather than": “uuuuh, this is an example of, uuuh - speech techniques -right… that will help us, err, like, look effin confident!”. Unless you are Gary (Vee) Vaynerchuk or Tony Robbins, I strongly recommend you hold off on the cussing.

  • Mastering Basic Skill #3: Your brain reacts and receives messages from you body just as well as (we thought only) the other way around. To be an effective communicator you must be conscious and aware of how your body speaks because 55% of the message you are sending is registered through your body language. Do you cross your arms when you speak to someone about sincerity and transparency? Do you fidget, or struggle to be still when you want to share your thoughts or opinions? These examples show opposing messages. Your thoughts, tonality and words must all be aligned. A good way to practice this, is by doing power poses*. Practice in front of a mirror, or my favorite is by filming yourself then watching your performance. Here’s another challenge: Film yourself engaging in a conversation with someone then review that film without sound. try to pick at the body language and see what it says. This is a powerful tool that I use in coaching sessions to help people identify what they are not saying and how it impacts their conversations.

Final Thoughts: communication is a skill that is learned and acquired and it is one of the most required and sought out skill. Just take a look at any job description and you are bound to find “excellent communicator” or “strong communication skill” or something to that effect as a required skill. communication is not only the art of the word or speech but also the art of utilizing body and tonality as well as being able to read other people’s cues and Here’s Good News: You can Make it with practice, support, coaching and mentoring your success and growth as an effective communicator is imminent.

Written by Tarek Azmi. Founder of Here’s Good News.

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Tarek Azmi